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Vince McMahon Buys the World Series of Poker

LAS VEGAS, NV-With the financial future of Harrah’s Entertainment uncertain, the company formally announced it has sold the World Series of Poker, arguably its most recognizable product, to Vince McMahon, founder of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE).

This is not the first time McMahon has ventured outside of the squared circle. His football league, XFL, lasted one full season, and two of the four films produced by WWE Films actually grossed more than their budget. In anticipation for McMahon’s newest adventure, shares of World Wrestling Entertainment (NYSE: WWE) plunged 86% to $2.44 a share.

At the press conference announcing the takeover, McMahon casually invited former WSOP Commissioner Jeffrey Pollack to the stage. When Pollack got up, McMahon pointed at him and screamed his signature catchphrase at the top of his lungs “You’re Fired!” When informed that Pollack had in fact already resigned his post, McMahon paused, then lifted the podium and slammed it on Pollack’s head. Pollack currently remains hospitalized with limited brain function. There is no word whether McMahon will be charged with attempted murder.

Leaked reports of the planned finish for the WSOP Main Event have already circulated throughout the internet. It is expected that the final three participants will be Phil Ivey, Greg Raymer and the chip leader, Triple H. Newly christened WSOP Commissioner Stone Cold Steve Austin will then come out, grab a microphone and disqualify Triple H for installing an evil dealer after he and Shawn Michaels beat up the other dealers backstage. Triple H will then fight Stone Cold Steve Austin for some 10 minutes before Austin administers a Stone Cold Stunner on both Triple H and the evil dealer.

Bret Hart will then come out and take over as the guest dealer and deal the heads up match between Raymer and Ivey, which will last six hands before both men get their money in on the flop with sets with Raymer having the bigger set. However, as the river card is being dealt, The Rock will run in out of the stands, grab Raymer and hit a Rock Bottom finisher on him through the poker table, rendering him “unconscious” and giving Ivey the main event bracelet. As Ivey is celebrating and posing with The Rock, however, The Rock will betray him by grabbing him and administering another Rock Bottom. With Ivey passed out, The Rock will then steal the bracelet and declare himself the new WSOP champion while the crowd boos. This will setup a rematch between Ivey and The Rock for the bracelet at the circuit event in Lake Tahoe.

Phil Hellmuth has already signed on as one of McMahon’s poker superstars. In exchange for winning 26 bracelets this upcoming year, Hellmuth will work two pay per view matches where he will compete in a steel cage against the Undertaker while being set on fire and ultimately stabbed with an ice pick.

Many poker players expressed extreme disgust with the new WSOP, to which McMahon replied bluntly, “Everyone knows poker is rigged. Now we’re just making it official.”

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