The History Of Texas Hold ‘Em
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Recently adapted into a gentleman’s game, Texas Hold ‘Em has a long, scandalous history that may tarnish its new-found reputation as a sport played by fellows of the utmost honor and cleanliness. What follows is a well-researched account of the trail Texas Hold ‘Em has trodden to become the phenomenon it is today.
Invented by nomadic Druids ca. the 3rd Century CE, its name originally could only be pronounced by a well-squeezed wolf. However, after the “Treat Thy Wolves the Way Thee Would Like to be Treated Act” of early Druid law, the name of the game was changed to “Toth Hoth Thoth” [1] and could be easily spoken by humans, regardless of their being squeezed.
The original Hold ‘Em rules vary widely from their current manifestation. It was a game of fear, ritual sacrifice, and rarely involved playing cards. On the rare occasion a “deck” of “cards” was introduced to “Hoth Thoth,” one was guaranteed that all players would be cooked and “eaten on the morrow.” Consisting of one enormous card [2] made of limestone, original Hold ‘Em decks weighed three tons and could only be dealt to a player if the dealer had the slaves necessary to move it (or if the players agreed before the game that should the card be needed, one simply had to point at it, and the others would understand that their “morrow-eating” was imminent, thereby negating the need to tire out anybody’s slaves). [3]
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