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The History Of Texas Hold ‘Em

Recently adapted into a gentleman’s game, Texas Hold ‘Em has a long, scandalous history that may tarnish its new-found reputation as a sport played by fellows of the utmost honor and cleanliness. What follows is a well-researched account of the trail Texas Hold ‘Em has trodden to become the phenomenon it is today.

Invented by nomadic Druids ca. the 3rd Century CE, its name originally could only be pronounced by a well-squeezed wolf. However, after the “Treat Thy Wolves the Way Thee Would Like to be Treated Act” of early Druid law, the name of the game was changed to “Toth Hoth Thoth” [1] and could be easily spoken by humans, regardless of their being squeezed.

The original Hold ‘Em rules vary widely from their current manifestation. It was a game of fear, ritual sacrifice, and rarely involved playing cards. On the rare occasion a “deck” of “cards” was introduced to “Hoth Thoth,” one was guaranteed that all players would be cooked and “eaten on the morrow.” Consisting of one enormous card [2] made of limestone, original Hold ‘Em decks weighed three tons and could only be dealt to a player if the dealer had the slaves necessary to move it (or if the players agreed before the game that should the card be needed, one simply had to point at it, and the others would understand that their “morrow-eating” was imminent, thereby negating the need to tire out anybody’s slaves). [3]

By the 7th Century, Christianity had established itself on the British Isles, and with the consolidation of the old Pagan tribes came the incorporation of many of their rituals. Therefore, Hold ‘Em was an easy choice to make the transition into Christianity. At the request of the church, St. Jack of Canterbury gave the game a face-lift, and the rules were adjusted to fit a Christian model. The deck was expanded to seventeen suits, with number cards reaching into the forties. It was decided to keep the inevitable murder of the players, but it was deemed best that no one be eaten, for sanitary reasons. To pay him for his hard work, St. Jack was burned alive as a martyr: and that’s where we get the expression “pocket jacks.” [4]

Over the next few centuries the game spread across the globe. In Ethiopia, it was used to ward off evil spirits. [5] The Ottoman Empire was so fond of Texas Hold ‘Em that it was often called “Texas.” And then the first World Series of

It was 12th Century China, and the field of competition was crafty, ornery, and highly Chinese. The tournament lasted eleven years and participants were allowed six potty breaks. Favorites to win early on were Jing Ong ‘Ok, Jimmy Ray Tang, Krang Pra Po, Li Lin, and Doyle Brunson. The lead changed hands frequently, with many competitors dropping out due to exploding bladders [6] until the field was whittled down to heads up between Li Lin and Doyle. Then one dewy morning, in the eleventh year, Li Lin went all in on a Dahli Parton bluff. Doyle was about to fold and let him steal the blinds when he changed his mind, took out the revolver he invented, and shot Lin in the face. And thus begun the Brunson Dynasty that ruled China with an iron fist for four hundred bloodstained years.

Inevitably, Texas Hold ‘Em would come to America, and boy did it come hard. It was such a sensation in the original thirteen colonies that its play by the revolutionary soldiers nearly cost America the war. George Washington wrote in his diary at Valley Forge:

Dearest Diary,
I fear that this cursed Game will ruin our Chances for Liberty from those tax-hungry Britains. I can not recall a Time when the Prospects for Victory was as bleak as they are now. T’other Night, young Johnny and Jimmy Ray were to watch the Ridge over our Camp for incoming Red Coats, and just as Johnny was removing his Britches (for they were engaged in Strip Texas Hold Them) he took a British Bullet in his bare Bum-bum. His alarmed Yawp awoke the Men, and we beat back the Brits, but not without much Cost in Life and the Rumours that Johnny and Jimmy Ray were totally Homosexual with one Another. Not to mention that I e’en caught the Slaves playing Cards as well. Do they not know that we are fighting for Freedom here? I am at Wittingham’s End with this most Rotten of Sports. O what shall I do, sweet Diary? At least you understand me. You are my best friend for Forever.
Hugs and the most tender of Kisses,
Georgie

But the war was saved when Doyle Brunson flew over to England on his enchanted Pegasus and shot Kaiser Wilhelm in the face. [7]

Which more or less brings the game up to date. So please, the next time you play Hold ‘Em, take a moment of reverence to acknowledge the bloody centuries that lie beneath every hand you’re dealt. And don’t fuck with Doyle Brunson. [8]

[1] Roughly translated as “Tomas, hold them.”

[2] Called “The Bleeding Turk of Bludgeons” for obvious reasons.

[3] Of course, all slaves were murdered and buried with their masters.

[4] St. Jack is the patron saint of pockets.

[5] Ethiopian evil spirits are scared of cards. It’s in the bible or something.

[6] Or the dreaded “pee-pee in coke” maneuver.

[7] In the Bible too. Check it.

[8] Ever.

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