PPA Hires Phil Ivey to Stare at Congressmen

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WASHINGTON D.C. – Leading online poker lobbying group The Poker Player’s Alliance (PPA) announced today a sharp turn in their lobbying tactics – the hiring of Phil Ivey for the exclusive purpose of staring at Congressmen who are opposed to online poker regulation.

Michael Bolcerek, president of the PPA, explained the decision. “We thought we were on the right track, what with raising money and hiring insiders like (PPA Chairman) Alfonse D’Amato. And, don’t get me wrong,” Bolcerek continued, “those were all good steps. But then I saw one of those Full Tilt ads where Ivey’s just staring you down and I thought, now there’s a guy who can make you crap your pants with a single glare.”

The PPA’s exact strategy is unclear at this point. Some believe Ivey will be stationed outside of individual Congressmen’s offices at times when they’re likely to be entering and exiting. Others think he’ll be asked to appear at hearings where several targeted Congressmen are likely to be in attendance. Regardless of the specific execution, all sources agree that Ivey will do nothing – not talk, not move, not make a sound – just stand (or sit) and stare.

Critics have pointed out that Ivey, as pants-crappingly scary as he may be, is just one man, and therefore can’t possibly intimidate every Congressman when the time for doing so is limited – say, on the eve of a major vote. “We’ve considered that point, and we have a Plan B,” said Bolcerek. “We’ve already gotten in touch with Johnny Chan and arranged for him to dress as he normally does and stand in the proximity of Congressmen that Ivey hasn’t reached yet. We figure exposure to Chan’s typical sweater should stun them long enough for Ivey to have sufficient time to arrive.”

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