THE INTERNET — In a move that has drawn sharply divided reactions from the online poker community, popular online poker room PokerStars announced this week that they have added a rabid howler monkey to Team PokerStars, the room’s roster of sponsored pros.
PokerStars Marketing Executive Peter Simmons explained the logic behind the decision in a phone interview. “I was sitting around last week thinking about what a great addition [poker professional] Hevad Khan was to the team. Then I thought what if we could have another Hevad Khan, but just a little louder and slightly more attractive?”
“And then”, Simmons continued, “Three words just popped right into my head: Rabid. Howler. Monkey.”
Howler monkeys are best-known for their status as the loudest land animal in existence, while Khan is best-known for acting like an attention-starved, meth-addled simian during the Main Event of the 2007 World Series of Poker.
PokerStars has yet to clarify how they plan to utilize the newest member of their team. At this point, the room has confirmed only that Khan is training the monkey to yell “bulldozer” at opponents and to fold AK preflop to Kenny Tran for no good reason whatsoever.
Sources at the room declined to confirm or deny reports that the next planned addition to Team PokerStars will be a unshowered crack addict who drags his nails across a chalkboard while shouting word-for-word renditions of Steven Segal movies in an uneven cockney accent.
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