PokerStars adds rabid howler monkey to team of sponsored pros

THE INTERNET — In a move that has drawn sharply divided reactions from the online poker community, popular online poker room PokerStars announced this week that they have added a rabid howler monkey to Team PokerStars, the room’s roster of sponsored pros.

PokerStars Marketing Executive Peter   …full article

PPA Hires Phil Ivey to Stare at Congressmen

WASHINGTON D.C. - Leading online poker lobbying group The Poker Player’s Alliance (PPA) announced today a sharp turn in their lobbying tactics - the hiring of Phil Ivey for the exclusive purpose of staring at Congressmen who are opposed to online poker regulation.
Michael Bolcerek, president   …full article

Hot Girl From Poker Room Not Nearly as Hot in Wal-Mart

LOUISVILLE, KY - Poker room regulars at Caesar’s Indiana reacted with a blend of outrage, disbelief and sadness to the claim, made by poker dealer Steve Partusi, that the super-hot girl who often plays 4/8 limit on the weekends is, in fact, not very hot   …full article

Obese Guy Clearly Has Personal Stake in ‘Poker as Sport’ Debate

LOUISVILLE, KY - Following a casual bar argument over the proper label for poker - sport or game - almost all participants, regardless of their initial opinion, were able to agree on one thing: an extremely obese man at the bar was taking the whole   …full article

New Poker Site Offers Deposit Bonus: 100% up to Free Baby

THE INTERNET: In yet another raising of the bar for both the costliness and uniqueness of online poker promotions, a new poker site - pokerbaby.com - has announced one of the most lucrative and controversial offers to date: a 100% matching deposit bonus up to   …full article

Dumbass Launches New Online Poker Room

THE INTERNET - Online gaming industry sources revealed last Tuesday that, despite overwhelming odds against any realistic hope of even the most marginal form of success, yet another dumbass decided to launch an online poker room.
“Looks like another moron hopped a one way train   …full article

Drunk Man Obviously Confusing Actual Card Room with Online One

TUNICA, MS - Floor managers, dealers and players present in the Grand’s poker room last Thursday all confirm that a severely intoxicated holdem player experienced great difficulty separating the similar yet distinct realities of online and physical poker.
The drunk, identified by casino staff as   …full article

ABC Adds “Poker” to the Title of Entire Fall Lineup

BURBANK, CA - In a move apparently designed to cash in on the growing popularity of televised poker, struggling ABC Networks announced today that, effective immediately, the word ‘poker’ would be added to each and every show in ABC’s current fall prime time lineup.
According   …full article

Phil Hellmuth Introduces New “Flop Free” Online Card Room

THE INTERNET - Since the inception of online poker some six years ago, developers have produced a variety of offerings based on what they felt the players wanted - different graphics, chat features, and so on. In his latest foray into the online poker   …full article

Online Poker Player Declares That Pocket Aces are Terrible

THE INTERNET - Casual poker players and serious theorists alike were shocked by the pronouncement of online player MRTILTY yesterday that pocket aces, long held to be the best starting hand in Texas Hold’em, are in fact a terrible hand.
“I NEVER WIN WTIH [sic] ACES!”,   …full article

4-8 Players Apparently Entertained By Rounders Quotes, Dealer Unamused

TUNICA, MS - An overwhelming majority of players seated at table 5 [4-8 limit hold ‘em] in Tunica’s Gold Strike poker room were apparently entertained by an unidentified player who spoke only in quotes from the movie Rounders, casino sources reported Tuesday.
“There was this guy   …full article

Bush Team Unveils Massive Freeroll For All Registered Voters

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a move largely praised by political analysts, President Bush’s election team announced today that all of America’s registered voters qualified for entry into the $5,000,000 guaranteed “Four More Years” freeroll poker tournament.
“Dick [Vice President Cheney] and me were sittin around in   …full article

Aspiring Online Pro’s Career Delayed By Inability to Come up With Unique Screen Name

SPRINGFIELD, IL - Aspiring online poker pro Jason McDonald had a simple plan - quit his day job, read every poker book he could get his hands on, and make a living playing online poker. Things turned out to be a little more complicated than   …full article

T.J. Cloutier Rips Off Head Of Amateur Who Credited T.J.’s Book for Horrible Play

LAS VEGAS, NV: Author and poker legend T.J. Cloutier is currently being held in police custody following a spectacular incident in which T.J. literally ripped the head off of an amateur player.
Sources report that the incident occurred during a $2,000.00 buyin NL tournament held at   …full article

Party Poker Purchases, Erases, Reroutes Entire Internet

WASHINGTON DC - US Government sources confirmed this morning that they had located the cause for the overnight disappearance of the some 4 billion web pages that formerly made up the public internet. Apparently, the online card room Party Poker has purchased and subsequently erased   …full article

T.J. Cloutier Rips Off Head Of Amateur Who Credited T.J.’s Book for Horrible Play

LAS VEGAS, NV: Author and poker legend T.J. Cloutier is currently being held in police custody following a spectacular incident in which T.J. literally ripped the head off of an amateur player.
Sources report that the incident occurred during a $2,000.00 buyin NL tournament held at   …full article

Phil Hellmuth Invents Bad-Beat Reversing Time Machine

LAS VEGAS, NV - World Champion poker player Phil Hellmuth is notorious for outbursts against players who draw out with inferior hands. But if Phil’s latest product pans out, those outbursts may be a thing of the past - literally.
“It just makes me so mad   …full article

Non-Commercial, Sarcasm Free, Helpful Response Post Found On Rec.Gambling.Poker

THE INTERNET - Online poker pundits are all abuzz about an event that has rocked the status quo of poker discussion on the internet: a non-commercial, sarcasm-free, helpful response to a question posted on the rec.gambling.poker [RGP] newsgroup.
RGP, the largest online discussion forum for poker,   …full article

All Poker Pros Abandon Hold ‘em For Triple Draw Lowball

LAS VEGAS, NV - Fed up by the recent successes of amateurs in the WSOP main event, a consortium of professional poker players held a news conference today to announce that, effective immediately, they will no longer play hold ‘em. Instead, all professional poker players,   …full article

Party Poker Offers US Government Massive Signup Bonus

WASHINGTON DC - Government sources here confirmed today that PartyPoker.com has in fact extended a massive signup bonus offer to the US Federal Government.
According to representatives from Party, the UFSG is eligible for a 20% bonus up to $500 million on its initial deposit. “With   …full article

Aces Hold Up In 3-6 Game

EVANSVILLE, IN - A sleepy Indiana town has become an epicenter for poker enthusiasts after word leaked out early yesterday that pocket aces held up in a 3-6 limit game run by Evansville’s Aztar Casino.
Sources report that the pair of aces was dealt to Louisville,   …full article

Speakin’ The ‘King’s English’: The Freeroll King’s Guide to Poker Lingo

(Ed note: you can read more from self-anointed “freeroll king” Stever Fuller in his previous articles Freeroll Report: Party New Player Weekly and King’s Hand of The Week: Jacked by Jacks)
Yo.
Speakin’ the King’s English doesn’t mean calling people “thee” and shit. It’s like, this   …full article

After the ban: Ten tips for living

When news of the online gambling ban hit the US internet poker community, the collective strain it put on hearts already weakened by a life of inactivity and the eating of many Funions was enough to kill most other people. What the US government   …full article

How to beat anyone at poker, anytime

[Ed note: To clarify some terms found in the title: by ‘Anyone’, Robb actually means ‘his friend Dennis’. By ‘Anytime’, he actually means ‘half the time’.]
Dennis is a pretty fragile guy. Ever since his kids died, his focus has been for shit. While   …full article

The History Of Texas Hold ‘Em

Recently adapted into a gentleman’s game, Texas Hold ‘Em has a long, scandalous history that may tarnish its new-found reputation as a sport played by fellows of the utmost honor and cleanliness. What follows is a well-researched account of the trail Texas Hold ‘Em   …full article

Freeroll King Hand of The Week: Jacked by Jacks

You all aren’t gonna believe this shit.
***** Hand History for Game 51726521529 *****
2000 NL Hold’em - Wednesday, June 08, 13:40:59 EDT 2005
Table Play money 4560
Seat 10 is the button
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to FREEROLL KING! [ Jh, Qd ]
blutastie folds.
Shirttail calls [10].
FREEROLL KING! calls   …full article

Freeroll Report: Party “New Player” 5k Weekly

Hey all you poseurs and groupies scanning this in hopes of picking just a little grape of genius off the vine that is THE FREEROLL KING’S brain. Oh yeah, as a side note, I put my title in all caps up there to let you   …full article

How to play NL tournaments correctly

1. Know your odds. It’s important to understand the concept of “being a favourite”. For example, let’s say you go all-in with a pair of sixes, and are called by an Ace-Two offsuit. You’re a 70% favourite, which means you’re 100% guaranteed to win,   …full article

The seven stages of ace king

Psychologists often refer to the 7 stages of grief that accompany any significant loss in an individual’s life. We certainly think AK qualifies, and know the stages all too well:
1) Denial: “There’s no way I could’ve missed the flop. They were suited. I can call   …full article

How To Write Bad Beat Stories

Many years ago, some caveman or another came up with the brilliant idea that “hey, fish don’t fight as well as dinosaurs, let’s eat them instead”. Thus fishing was born. However, fishing is about as exciting as an extreme aging competition in your local home,   …full article

Top five lessons poker players learned from the Safe Ports Act

On September 30th, 2006, the US Senate passed the Safe Ports Act, which included provisions intended to slow the growth of online gambling. The whole experience was a very educational one for poker players - here’s a few highlights of the things we learned:
5) Phil   …full article

Top five worst poker comebacks

Sometimes when someone insults you at the poker table, you shoot back with the perfect, witty, incisive retort. Then there’s most of the time, when you say shit like this:
5) Oh yeah? Well, your mom draws dead.
4) I may be stupid, but you’re winning.
3) Well,   …full article

Top five reasons why online poker must be rigged

Oh you didn’t know? We thought everyone knew. I mean why would a business with potential annual revenue in the billions possibly want to run things on the up-and-up? Wouldn’t it be smarter to juice the deck to generate a tiny extra fraction of profit   …full article

Top five things you will see at the WSOP this year

The influx of online players not only means the WSOP will get bigger, but also that it will get funnier. Some unique things you’re bound to see at this years World Series:
5) At some point, someone will ask how many seconds they have left in   …full article

Top five poker related lies

Poker players love bluffing so much that they can rarely stop once they leave the table. Some of the more common ‘misrepresentations of reality’:
5) “Just a few more hands and I’ll be done”.
4) “I came out about even”
3) “I have no problem folding AK when   …full article

Top five things not to say at the table

The image you present at a poker table in your local casino is determined by what you say as much as how you play. Some key phrases to avoid at holdem tables:
5) “Hey, at my regular table upstairs, we get three cards dealt to us.”
4)   …full article

Top five reasons you’re ready for the WSOP

Last year the World Series of Poker had around 2500 players. Five reasons why you should be player 2501 :
5) Really, 2500 players is no different from 250 $5 sit and go tournaments at Party, and you money in those, like, all the time.
4) You   …full article

Top five ways to impress 3-6 players

Some of the toughest poker players in the world sit at B&M 3-6 tables. Here are some ways to earn their respect:
5) Wear sunglasses and a hat, preferably a poker-related hat. Nothing says “don’t mess with this guy” like a party poker hat.
4) Take a   …full article

Top five ways to impress people in chat

Now you know how to impress players in live play. But people can’t see your sunglasses and hat when you play online, so what can you do? one word: chat!
5) Type in all capitals. This conveys an unmistakable air of authority.
4) Take any opportunity you   …full article

Top five ways to win at 2-4

5) Play every hand that looks pretty. It only costs two dollars before the flop and you could win a $40 pot.
4) Don’t raise with aces. A hand that strong you want as many people in the pot as possible so you can maximize your   …full article

Top five ways to appear ‘pro’

New to the game but don’t want others to know? no sweat. Here’s what you do:
5) Quote from Rounders every chance you get. Especially if someone asks you what you had in the hand that just ended. Be sure to say “i’m sorry john, but   …full article