Phil Hellmuth Invents Bad-Beat Reversing Time Machine
LAS VEGAS, NV - World Champion poker player Phil Hellmuth is notorious for outbursts against players who draw out with inferior hands. But if Phil’s latest product pans out, those outbursts may be a thing of the past - literally.
“It just makes me so mad when someone calls their entire stack on the flop with bottom pair and its the river,” said Hellmuth in a phone interview from his research compound. “Now don’t get me wrong, whining about it is fun and it certainly didn’t hurt my book sales. But what I’ve always said to those idiots is that they shouldn’t have been in the hand in the first place - and now, with my time machine, they won’t be. Won’t have been. Will not be. Whatever.”
The scientific community has reacted with a mix of surprise and alarm at the news of Hellmuth’s working time travel prototype. “In theory, building such a device isn’t beyond human capabilities”, said Jacob Peragoy, chair of the Physics Department at MIT. “but as anyone who has seen Back to the Future part one and two - not three, three was terrible - knows, time travel is a messy affair. For example”, Peragoy continued, “if Hellmuth were to travel back and meet my wife before me, then Jacob Jr. here would never come into existence. So clearly there are issu … oh no. Oh my god. Jacob, you’re FADING! MY SON IS DISAPPEARING! DAMN YOU HELLMUTH! DAMN YOU!”
Sources report that, having completed the machine, Hellmuth is now working on a new book tentatively titled “How I Invented The Black Nines Time Machine: Buy This Book Or I Will Cause Your Family To Stop Existing.”
