Obama Challenges Ahmadinejad to HU4ROLLZ
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CHICAGO, IL – United States President-Elect Barack Obama, long under fire for his alleged cordial stance with the nuclear-capable nation of Iran, made his agenda perfectly clear when he challenged Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to a heads up poker match for the entirety of their respective nation’s treasury.
The transition of power evidently not changing the executive branch’s desire for conflict, Obama, an avid poker player in his own right, issued a statement through his website, BarackObama.com:
“In these times of considerable hardships, it is important we do whatever we can to reinvigorate hope among the populace. Yes we can. I believe bankrupting the nation of Iran is the first step to regaining our rightful place as rulers of the free world. Yes we can. I believe taking their money and spreading it amongst ourselves will save our failing economy. Yes we can. And I know that my lack of experience in the online poker world may be seen as a detriment, but I assure you all I have all the experience I need to beat Mr. Ahmadinejad. Yes I can.”
Ahmadinejad, seen on the Prima Network under the name LOL_Israel, plays 200/400 No Limit as well as Pot Limit Omaha. He is said to utilize a hyper-aggressive LAG (loose aggressive) style to attempt to intimidate his opponents out of pots. Regarding Ahmadinejad’s style, Iranian Vice President, Pavriz Davoodi said, “The President plays like he rules: with massive, unyielding force. You throw a rock at our mosque, we shove 40 carpet bombs into your anus. He plays the same way. You bet $400? (Censored) you, I raise you all in for $40,000. Praise Allah for granting such wisdom.”
The American government maintains a different assessment of the Iranian ruler’s ability. “Ahmadinejad is such a donk,” said incoming Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. “CIA intelligence has indicated he plays 90/88 over a sample size of 200 thousand hands. How can someone play 90/88 and expect to win? He’ll be lucky to lose just 0.5 BB/100!”
Obama’s terms stipulate that both countries escrow their treasury’s contents with the United Nations. They will then proceed to play 7 tables of $1 heads up sit and gos on Pokerstars (Pokerstars being the choice because they offer sit and gos with no blind increases). The first player to win four of the sit and gos would be declared the winner. Due to Pokerstars security deeming Ahmadinejad’s screen name to be offensive, he was forced to register under the less offensive “AmirVahediNo1Fan.” Vahedi could not be reached for comment.
Some concern has grown over the fact that Obama, a live game player, has never played online, thus giving Ahmadinejad a fairly large edge. While Obama will seek coaching before the match is to take place, there are those in the government who insist that this is nothing to worry about.. “People keep panicking and wondering what happens if we lose this match and lose all our money,” said Vice President-Elect Joe Biden. “But the joke’s on Iran. This is America, baby! We’re already broke!”
