THE INTERNET: In yet another raising of the bar for both the costliness and uniqueness of online poker promotions, a new poker site – pokerbaby.com – has announced one of the most lucrative and controversial offers to date: a 100% matching deposit bonus up to a free baby.
“I suppose we in the industry should have seen this coming,” said Evelio Suarez, senior analyst for Canadian-based Game Trends Now. “Promotions have been getting out of hand for a bit now, what with Paradise offering the million dollar freeroll and Games Grid running the 1000% deposit bonus. It was only a matter of time before someone started offering live, human babies as an incentive to play in an online poker room.”
David Centavian, CEO of hpokerbaby.com, defended the promotion. “The way I see it,” Centavian argued, “I couldn’t afford to go head to head with those bigger guys. I don’t have millions of dollars, or contracts with big-name professional players, or even good software with a base of players.”
“But what i do have,” Centavian added, “is a fertile wife who is committed to helping my business succeed. I’d let you get a quote from her, but she’s actually in labor right now. Need to stock up you know. We’re expecting a tremendous response to this promo.”
The online poker community seems somewhat divided on the promotion. Some players, like college student Michael Knupp, reacted positively. “It’s one thing when they give you like a hat or like a stupid poster with some fat dude on it. Mostly I just throw that away. But a baby, dude … shit, hold on, I just spilled bong water, like, everywhere.” Others, like Peter Fricely, owner of popular casino bonus site promosluts.com, were less charitable. “Ok, first off, you get no flexibility with baby choice as I understand it. At least with frequent player points you can choose your merch, but with this you get whatever his wife happened to pop out last.”
“Plus it’s like 15 times the bonus in raked hands to clear, which is excessive.”
Sources report that, loathe to be out-promoted, Party Poker has secretly recruited a team of crack geneticists in order to develop an uber-race of babies for promotional harvesting.
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