How to play NL tournaments correctly

1. Know your odds. It’s important to understand the concept of “being a favourite”. For example, let’s say you go all-in with a pair of sixes, and are called by an Ace-Two offsuit. You’re a 70% favourite, which means you’re 100% guaranteed to win, every time you will play in this situation. In the rare event something else happens, you must immediately warn the other players that something is amiss, by posting “rigged!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111″ or “pp sucks” (please note that you must say “pp sucks” even if you are playing on, say, Ultimate Bet. It’s a poker pro thing).

2. Explain the game to others. Much like the moral obligation to alert players when the house is deliberately causing improbable events to occur (they do this to increase action, so they get more rake), you must assume players don’t pay attention in other situations, and it is your duty to point things out to them. For example, if you’re all-in with a pair of sixes versus an Ace Queen, and lose because a queen hits on the river, you mustn’t ignore the possibility someone may have not have noticed WHEN the queet hit. Therefore, you must immediately post “rivered!!!!!”, to let everyone know just when the offending queen hit the board (it’s important to use many exclamation marks; they make you look more important). Similarily, situations might arise when a player beats another on virtue of simply having a better hand. For example, if two players are in a pot with a lot of action, and in the showdown one of them shows an Ace-Two and loses to an Ace-King over the kicker, it’s important to explain to the other players what just happened, as it’s unlikely any of them can figure it out. So, a comment along the lines of “see, that’s why you don’t play Ace Two to a raise preflop” is certainly called for.

3. It’s personal. Oh yeah. People don’t play good hands because they’re trying to win pots and make money. They play good hands to screw you, personally. See that guy who just reraised you? He only did it because you raised, if anyone else had raise he’d've just called with his aces. So, it’s important, when losing a pot, to take the matter personally. A recommended course of action would be to hound the player who beat your top two pair with a rivered trips, calling him names and repeatedly wishing everyone BUT him “gl”. I know this seems harsh, as many a tournament has been won or lost over “gl” and “gg” advantage, but he must learn not to be an asshole (=not to play his good hands versus you).

4. Play fair. There is only one way to play poker. Should anyone stray from this path, you must immediately complain to him (advanced: complain to the technical support) about his unfair behaviour, which is only legal by a technicality, but obviously was MEANT to be illegal. A classic example is when a chip leader begins raising freely preflop and betting on the flop. This strategy is clearly unfair, ergo the correct course of action would be to first of all repeatedly call him a “bully”, then goad other people into calling him (make sure to never call him, yourself), then contact customer support to alert them there is an unfair player in table sng-050399s. They will be delighted.

5. Bluffers always lose. Let us assume someone raises a large amount preflop and you call him, holding J9s. The board comes 258 rainbow, and the original raises bets all-in into you. It’s obvious he’s bluffing, so the right move is to call him. The moment you call a bluffer, he automatically loses, regardless of his hand. Ergo, make sure not to consider your own hand when determining whether to call an all-in or not.

6. Built for the tilt. Let us suppose pp rigged the server again, and you lose with aces to kings (those of you who’ve been paying attention know this event only happens once in a million trillion times, and not, say, one in five). If, miraculously enough, you are left with enough chips to still have a chance, you must begin going all-in every hand, in every opportunity. What happens is, the poker God notices there’s something fishy about the table, digs up the history, and sees that oh no, someone lost with a favourite! He promptly sets out to right what’s wrong, and so you are guaranteed to double up with your J6o. It’s STATISTICS.

There is, of course, more than this to no-limit tournaments. We haven’t even begun addressing issues like “posting ‘zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’ – the surefire way of making people play faster” and strategic concepts like the semi-bluff call, but then again, I wouldn’t want to share ALL my secrets.

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