How to beat anyone at poker, anytime
[Ed note: To clarify some terms found in the title: by ‘Anyone’, Robb actually means ‘his friend Dennis’. By ‘Anytime’, he actually means ‘half the time’.]
Dennis is a pretty fragile guy. Ever since his kids died, his focus has been for shit. While I don’t recommend you take advantage of someone at their moment of grief, this guide is designed to do precisely that. So, you can use it, but you know, that’d be really mean.
Preparation
It only stands to reason that someone whose three small children died because they were playing hide-and-go-seek in the trunk of the family sedan would naturally seek out banal distractions. Poker is possibly the most of banal mindless distractions, and grieving fathers know this. Dennis will probably be up for anything, especially during the time that used to be called “Family Fun Hour.” You could even suggest bringing pizza over, considering his wife left when he told her he couldn’t look at her without crying. His wife was a really good cook. Pretty too.
Obviously, you’ve already taken a hit on the cost of the pizza (probably twenty bucks if you’ve gotten a large stuffed from Aurelio’s). Just remember, you’ve got to spend to earn, and by the end of the night, you’ll have more than made up that cost in boxed wine and the change you’ll find strewn about his house. Seriously, this guy is a mess. And besides, nothing reminds a man of his sudden physical and spiritual solitude than pizza, especially a nice stuffed one that his friend brought over for a game of pity poker. Of course, don’t forget to say something if he tries to eat more than his half, you’re not running a homeless shelter.
Game Play
It’s time to start your game. Suggest that you play relatively high stakes (two, three hundred). If Dennis offers up resistance – which is rare, I mean, he’s practically a walking ghost, floating from room to room, haunting only himself: he’s not in the mood for disputing suggestions, and he’s certainly in no mood for gambling, goodness no – but if he doesn’t want to play high stakes, just say something like, “C’mon man, what have you got to lose?” You both know the answer is “nothing.”
Shuffle up and deal!
Adjectives
Like any poker game, you’re going to see good and bad cards, but you’ve been given a pretty sweet plumb to feed your table talk, and your choice of adjectives and adjective phrases in particular are key. Call bad hands “tragic,” “gruesome,” and “a gut-wrenching display.” If you get caught bluffing, claim to be “innocent” or “cherubic.” When Dennis bets, tell him he’s “so brave.”
Exclamations
Let go of the adjectival subtlety a little when you really get good cards. Feel free to yell out, “Oh God, I’ve found them!” or “Why me?!” When you collect your winnings (which will be often) make eye contact with Dennis and say, “I’m so sorry, man” and keep apologizing as you meticulously count and stack your chips.
Hand Quizzes
Q: So you’ve been dealt off-suit KJ, the flop comes unsuited 10, A, 4. Dennis has apathetically thrown in five bucks, so you’re pretty sure he’s paired the ace. Do you:
A. Raise him
B. Call him
C. Fold
D. Steal some of his chips while he’s shitting
A: The answer is A. You have to be ready for the opportunity to make your straight so you can yell, “Aw yeah! Read ‘em and weep, asshole: that ace and ten is slammed tight around my two little boys and the sweetest, most precious girl I’ve ever seen! (pick up the queen and kiss it) And you fell right into my trap! It’s all your fault!” After pretending your fingers are guns shooting your cards while you say “pyoo, pyoo, pyoo,” apologize and start stacking your chips.
If you’re getting bored, I recommend you do D as well: he has no idea how many chips he’s got, and his bathroom breaks will get longer and longer as the night wears on. Dennis always does his best pondering and attempting of things in bathrooms.
Q: You’re dealt pocket twos. Dennis appears to be thumbing a photograph under the table while sniffling and making pathetic little groaning sounds. Do you:
A. Grab him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him
B. Start tapping your fingers impatiently on the table
C. Bet him the total of the remainder of his chips
D. Fold
A: First of all, never fold against Dennis unless there’s a way you can get him to feel guilty for making you do that (e.g. “God, you’re aggressive! It’s suffocating…”).
The answer here is C. Once he’s traded in the last thin fiber of his dignity so he can act like a woman in front of his third best friend, you know that he doesn’t have much game left. In the event that his cards beat your twos, start talking really fast, citing obscure and nonexistent rules and pointing at places on the table arguing about how you really won and that he’s clearly letting his emotions interfere with his game. The confidence with which you make your case should be just enough to get him to lie on the floor and start scream-crying himself unconscious. Take the rest of the money and get out.
Clean Up
Well, you’ve just made a couple hundred bucks in one evening, congrats. You can’t be greedy with it though. Buy Dennis something with your winnings to cheer him up (e.g. an empty photo album for his “new life,” a key rack to be installed higher than little fingers can reach, a gun, etc…). Plus, if you can show Dennis that you care, he’ll be more open to have another poker night in the future. Offer to have the game at your place this time so he isn’t surrounded by “all those memories.”
