Freeroll Report: Party “New Player” 5k Weekly
Hey all you poseurs and groupies scanning this in hopes of picking just a little grape of genius off the vine that is THE FREEROLL KING’S brain. Oh yeah, as a side note, I put my title in all caps up there to let you know that my name is, like, one of my intellectual properties. I woulda put that little R or C with the circle, but I can’t remember how to make my keyboard do that. And when I say my name, I mean THE FREEROLL KING, not Steve Fuller. Guess the deal is that I can’t legally stop you from calling yourself Steve Fuller if that’s your real name. If that isn’t your name and you tell people you’re me, that’s a) not cool and b) maybe reason enough for me to crash your home game and show you how THE FREEROLL KING handles business.
Anyhow, I once heard Doyle Brunson say he wished he hadn’t written Super System, or Awesome System, Super-Duper System, whatever the fuck it’s called. See, old Tee-Has there, what he did was give away all his secrets for like $100 a copy. Now i know $100 back in 1993 was worth like 8k or whatever, but still, I know his fear now that I’m writing this and letting you all in [that’s like a poker joke there, and I didn’t even plan it. KING!] on MY secrets. This is serious, no shit, but like that German dude said, you gotta give the people what they want.
On to the main attraction. I really thought about spelling main like “mane”, but I didn’t think any of you would be sly enough to catch the reference to the mighty fucking White Lion. If you still don’t get it, stop reading this and go start appreciating the brilliance of White Lion. Seriously. You gotta have priorities.
Ok, now that you’re rockin to “When the Children Cry”, picture this: THE KING, at my computer, ready to do battle with the other 1,219 people who had made their first deposit on Party that week for a massive 5k prize pool. That, my friends, is what THE KING calls a premium roll. I closed two play money tables on Yahoo Games and went into rock mode in my .10/.20 limit game, cause I knew I would need all of my skills at the ready for this showdown. I’ve played a lot of freerolls, and I’ll tell you one thing - the word is that Party Freeroll players are the cream of the freeroll crop. With that kind of money and those kind of foes, I had the kind of challenge I’d been waiting for all week. I put on my Oakleys, pulled down my hat, plugged in my Ipod and zeroed in. Maverick to Iceman, we have visual. Let’s lock and rock.
Only three hands in, I pick a hand I call “the sax” - Ace Six suited. Seeing a hand this strong this early made me feel real good, like when sailors see one of those albatross birds and that’s like an omen that everything should go smooth. I raise, and hit a beaut of a flop with one poser calling behind me: A, K, 10. Yeah, you read it. Top pair with a kicker and 3 cards to a flush. I check the monster to my opponent. He bets big, and I pretend to think to lull him in before getting all my chips in the middle with one strong push of the slider and a quick, confident click that tells him “I got the nuts, buddy.” You know what he calls KING with? A lousy 10 10. My pair holds up when the turn brings another Ace and then a river K. Score one for the good guys, and add another notch to the knockout belt. KING!
Sitting with a big stack after that sweet double, I start pushing these newbs around. I don’t know what everyone else was talking about - these players are garbage. I get so relaxed I even push my hat up a little bit before checking myself. Still, I keep picking up 50 chip pots like clockwork and the stack keeps growing. All according to plan, until I run into a lucksack with a pair of aces. Somehow his AA sucks out on my KJ, and I drop about a cool thou in chips to this pretender. I taunt him in chat so everyone knows what’s up - you can’t let your image slip by letting someone get away with a suckout like that. Gotta retaliate so people don’t sense weakness. That’s King Rule #1. I got all kinds of lines, I’ll write up a whole list someday like everyone keeps asking me to, but here’s a couple you can borrow for now. Just give credit, you know, just say something like “Like I head from THE FREEROLL KING…” before you use one. And don’t forget the caps either, like I said earlier, it’s for legal reasons. So, you could say things like:
“Whatever, jackass”
“Where did you learn to play poker? Probably nowhere, because you don’t know how to play”
“That was fucking dumb”
I got others, but that should hold you over. Or you could think of your own, leeches.
The next 20 minutes is just like a roller coaster at THE FREEROLL KING’s Beating Your Ass Fun Park and Roller Rink. All my monsters hold up, and after the dust settles, I’ve banished another 3 players into the land of sit the fuck out, you’re done. Every time I knock one out, I have a tradition. I yell WHASSUP at the screen like in that funny ass commercial for Budweiser. I like bud, from one KING to another.
I’ll leave you with a cliff hanger. THE KING gets in it with another big stack when I pick up a sweet little 74h [the “formal eleven” in my book] and raise preflop. One caller and the flop comes ICE COOL with 4c, 6h, Ad. Nothing like a 3 card straight flush to get the motor whirring. I can feel the WHASSUP brewing in the back of my throat as my opponent comes out betting and I move in like a shot.
I know you wanna hear the rest, so keep you eyes peeled here and when you see the KING SIGNAL flash, quit that loose .05/.10 NL game and find out how it all ends. Don’t worry, the suckas will still be there when you get back.
Unless you are one of the suckas. KING!
