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Dumbass Launches New Online Poker Room

THE INTERNET – Online gaming industry sources revealed last Tuesday that, despite overwhelming odds against any realistic hope of even the most marginal form of success, yet another dumbass decided to launch an online poker room.

“Looks like another moron hopped a one way train to fuckupville,” commented Evelio Suarez, senior analyst for Canadian-based Game Trends Now. “What a grandly asinine idea. Let’s see, where can I put my money and have it disappear the quickest? I bet the idiot had a really close decision between this and opening a small, overpriced department store next to a Wal-Mart.”

Most industry analysts agree that the online poker market is quickly reaching at least a temporary maturity. Entry into the crowded field is further complicated by significant startup costs and fierce competition for players. Suarez says he sees no reason to believe the new room will be able to overcome these challenges. “I wouldn’t recommend this investment to my smart friends,” remarked Suarez, “let alone to this guy who, simply by virtue of the fact that he made this decision in the first place, is clearly mayor of chumptown.”

The dumbass in question, James Simms, refused to recognize the clear and obvious reality of his impending failure in a telephone interview yesterday. “We’ve got a lot of great ideas for bringing players to our site, like deposit bonuses and the chance to win seats to the World Series of Poker. Plus we’re in talks with a certain big-time poker celebrity to host our room.”

“Hey, call the Nobel people,” Suarez exclaimed when told of Simms’s comments. “Tell them we found a lock candidate for their ‘Most Astoundingly Unoriginal Idea’ Prize. Maybe tomorrow he’ll have another mindblowingly stale idea like offering freerolls for new players.”

Despite the clear and compelling difficulty of opening a successful new room, analysts expect more jackholes to dive in over the next year. “Simms may be an idiot, but he’s hardly unique,” said Suarez. “Our research indicates that at any given time, over 5,000 other geniuses are considering following his incomprehensibly shitheadian logic. How these people don’t strangle themselves on blankets or pacifiers in their infancy is, quite frankly, beyond me.

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