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Bush Team Unveils Massive Freeroll For All Registered Voters

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move largely praised by political analysts, President Bush’s election team announced today that all of America’s registered voters qualified for entry into the $5,000,000 guaranteed “Four More Years” freeroll poker tournament.

“Dick [Vice President Cheney] and me were sittin around in the office, trying to come up with some ways to stimulate the economy,” Bush told a group of reporters at a press conference announcing the freeroll. “Not that it needs stimulation, really. Lots of new jobs this quarter, you know. But you can never do too much.”

“Anyhoo,” Bush continued, “I was flipping through Powell’s copy of Maxim and I saw an article about this online poker site, Royal Vegas, holding the largest freeroll ever. But it was only for $100,000. I figured we could beat that easy, called Karl [Bush team strategist Karl Rove] and got the ball rolling.”

Bush staffers report that the plan ran into temporary trouble when word got to Attorney General John Ashcroft, who has been a vocal opponent of online gambling. “Oh sure,” remarked Bush, “Ash was all prudish about it just like you’d expect. But I just made an offhand remark about how if we wanted to get Patriot Act 3 into law before the election, someone had better get to writing it, and he got that gleam in his eye and scurried off.”

“He sure looks like a little girl when he runs,” a chuckling Bush added.

Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry blasted the plan. “This amounts to little more than bald bribery of the American people,” Kerry told a group of supporters at a campaign stop in northern Ohio. “Besides, smart voters know that with over 50 million entrants, that freeroll’s going to come down to sheer luck. I trust the American people to realize that the 100% deposit bonus up to $5000 at johnkerrypoker.com is the way to go.”

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