After the ban: Ten tips for living

When news of the online gambling ban hit the US internet poker community, the collective strain it put on hearts already weakened by a life of inactivity and the eating of many Funions was enough to kill most other people. What the US government didn’t count on was the character of our community, the sheer will to survive we all possess if but only to spite those who thought poker players were too fat and smelly to enter into so-called “decent” society. To help bolster the well-established resilience of our US readers, part-time poker offers the following tips to piece together the obliterated scraps you used to call your life. Here are ten tips for living after the ban:

1. Find a way to deposit all your “play” earnings into an offshore “play bank” where it can accrue “play insurance” that you may use to payoff “play Tony” who has promised to break your “play legs.”

2. Enter more high-stakes “No Limit Magic: The Gathering” tournaments.

3. Stop feeling guilty that you never learned Omaha.

4. Despite the multi-tasking appeal of fantasizing about the female avatar in your favorite poker room, agree it’s for the best that you return to touching yourself while looking at pictures of real women.

5. Learn how to do something people will pay you to do. It starts with a ‘j,’ I think… Jorb? Jaerb? You’ll figure it out.

6. Feed your cat. Then notice your cat starved to death seven years ago and you now have a long, bushy beard. Go outside. Hiss at the sun, but be not afraid. Learn what it is to walk again. Adopt a new cat from a shelter. While carrying your cat, be mindful of which things it’s eating out of your facial hair so that it is not poisoned or choked to death. Upon returning home, shave your beard and do what is necessary to remove the sunken, beady look from your eyes. Sleep lying down. Ponder the beauty of a flower. Feed your cat.

7. Brush your teeth. I mean, that’s just good advice in any situation.

8. Make up some cards that you can pass out to people explaining what your funny poker shirt means whenever you wear it. Then after they read the card, and your shirt, keep them from leaving your presence until they can prove to you that they indeed “get it.”

9. Rejoice in the fact that the very last thing keeping you from becoming a full-blown alcoholic has now been erased. Cheers!

10. Say aloud for the final time, “I was just about to quit anyways.”

Of course, there is still some speculation regarding the longevity of this law, so you may not want to cash in your chips just yet. Regardless, you should be fine as long as the last few years of online gambling haven’t alienated you from every single person in your life. If this is the case, then you can use the last of your earnings to purchase some friends. They’re called “hookers.” Good luck!

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