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4-8 Players Apparently Entertained By Rounders Quotes, Dealer Unamused

TUNICA, MS – An overwhelming majority of players seated at table 5 [4-8 limit hold 'em] in Tunica’s Gold Strike poker room were apparently entertained by an unidentified player who spoke only in quotes from the movie Rounders, casino sources reported Tuesday.

“There was this guy sitting in the one seat”, Gold Strike dealer Mason Brennan recounted, “and every five minutes, no fail, he would spit out at least one quote from Rounders. That wasn’t the weird thing, I mean it was annoying, but not unusual. The weird thing was the other people at the table. They were laughing and nodding like they’ve never heard this shit before.”

Other dealers and floor managers reported hearing the unidentified man issue such well-worn, context cued quotes such as “I’m sorry John, I don’t remember” [when a player would ask him about a mucked hand], and “Women are the rake of life” [anytime a woman was mentioned in passing conversation]. As the night progressed, the man began affecting a vaguely Russian accent in an apparent attempt to mimic John Malkovich’s character.

“When I left the table at 9, it was pretty tame”, recalled Brennan. “Just your standard, cheesy-ass Matt Damon-spoken poker aphorisms. But by the time I got rotated back, say around 11, he’s doing this horrible Russian accent, like ‘Eet izz bheg joke eeneway. I am jahust paheeying you wiv your ohn mohnee from last thime I steek it in you’.”

While Brennan gamely attempted to hide his disgust, players at the table continued to egg the man on, laughing and providing a variety of verbal and non-verbal forms of positive, encouraging feedback. With each laugh and cheer, Brennan became more concerned: “I was really afraid he was going to do the little screwing dance Teddy does when he says that. That would’ve been it. I woulda just clocked him, just made like I was reaching for his cards after a hand, and then BAM! I don’t make that much here anyway, and I’ve got a buddy at the Commerce who can hook me up. Thankfully,” Brennan added with a sigh. “It didn’t come to that. He had to go to some tournament or something, racked up his chips, said ‘Eye see ahl ov you lay-tar’ and split.”

“I swear”, said Brennan, “if they ever make a sequel to that fucking movie, it will be the death of me. Well, probably the death of someone else first, by my hand, and then me.”

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